Enlightenment

I think I'm finally figuring out why all my relationships have been such duds in the past. I recently ventured into the very scary world of online dating (oh heavens) and can honestly say I haven't a clue what I'm doing.

I had my first "date" when I was 12. My first boyfriend was at 13. I'm now 27. How have I managed to get through a decade and a half of dating without having a single clue about what I want?

Online dating is great for this, if not shockingly enlightening. Setting up my own profile was easy. I know who I am, what I like and don't like etc. But when it comes to what I want, what I'm willing to put up with and what's a dealbreaker, it's no wonder my dating history hasn't revealed any deliberate patterns.


I'm trying very hard to use this as an exercise to figure out what I want in my partner. Is smoking a dealbreaker, or not? I've dated smokers, non-smokers and even a sweetheart who gave up smoking the whole time we dated... which didn't exactly do much for his personality, by the way.

What about kids? I'm edging up to an age bracket where chances of a guy having a kid from a previous relationship (or even marriage) is not as far out there as you'd think. Is that a problem for me? Hell, what about divorce?! Could I really get serious about someone who's already tried and failed miserably at marriage.

I'm still not 100% sure on the kids and marriage thing but I do know that I don't want it off the table. But what if there's this great guy, he doesn't want kids, and at the end of the day, I decided that I don't want them? If I dismiss him now, I may end up giving up something that could have really worked.

Icht. (It's a noise that I make.) Questions, decisions, stuff to think about. Something tells me I'm going to be a very introspective bunny over the next few weeks. Here's hoping I figure some stuff out in the end.